


Fire emblem shorts

by Genoscissors



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening, Fire Emblem: Seisen no Keifu | Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War
Genre: 3 houses spoilers, Comedy, F/M, on the identity of certain characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2020-09-26 18:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20394196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Genoscissors/pseuds/Genoscissors
Summary: Some Fire Emblem one-shots





	1. Please let me go, I just wanna go put on my mask-sona

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two people have a very important meeting to attend.  
The problem? People keep interrupting them on the way. Including each other.

7:00 pm, and Edelgard was finished for the day. No more classes, no commitments and no tea parties. Whilst she would normally go stand in place for a few hours whilst Byleth sprinted around, showing her every item under the sun to see if she’d lost anything, she had other commitments. 

But wait, didn’t I just say that Edelgard had no commitments? I did. And I wasn’t lying. 

Because it was the Flame Emperor who had made arrangements. The Flame Emperor was going to meet with the Death Knight at 8:30 sharp on the fishing docks. Now, Edelgard did not know the Knight’s true identity, but it did not matter. He was loyal to her, and that was all she needed. 

She had a while to prepare herself, so she started walking back to her dorm room. She briefly talked to Mercedes, who was heading in the same direction as her. They talked about the upcoming Heron Cup, and how the Blue Lion representative had been screaming about it for the past hour or so. Edelgard wasn’t too concerned, as she knew that Dorothea would be able to kick their ass on the dancefloor. 

Unfortunately, Mercedes was not the only person she ran into on her way back to her dorm. For she ended up running into both Byleth and Jeritza at the same time. 

“Oh, just the person I wanted to see.” Byleth noticed her immediately, removing the possibility of leaving. “What are you doing right now? Do you have anything planned?” 

“I-” Edelgard couldn’t exactly tell the truth, could she? “I don’t have anything.” 

“Ah, lovely.” They smiled at her. “So Jeritza, maybe you could do it now?” 

Fuck. Jeritza did not have time for this. It took way too long to do his Death Knight makeup, he could not handle any interruptions. When he’d agreed to give some students one-on-one sword lessons, he hadn’t imagined she’d meant right now. 

And he couldn’t be late. He would never want to displease the Flame Emperor… whoever they were. 

“It is late.” 

“Not really, there’s still an hour until sunset.” Edelgard spoke. Heck. 

“See, Edelgard’s up for a lesson right now! Please, I’ll never ask anything of you again!” 

“...” 

“You’re meant to say ‘Yes you will’.” 

“I have no time for meaningless chatter like that. I have other things to do.” 

“And by other things you mean teaching? I knew you’d agree eventually.” Curses. He should have made up something that he was doing this evening, instead of saying he was free. 

“Professor.” Edelgard had figured out what was going on. “I don’t want to take up his free time. We can arrange this for any other time.” 

“Well yes but…” 

“Right leg forward. Arms up a little.” Several minutes (and some coercion that bordered on blackmail) later, Jeritza was holding an unexpected lesson. And he wasn’t enjoying it. He just wanted to leave, but his professionalism made him continue on. 

Edelgard was trying to follow along, but was preoccupied with other thoughts. But she wasn’t going to back down yet. She didn’t want to let her teacher down, and she still had time. What was it, 7:10?

It was 7:45. 

Both people heard the clock chime the quarter hour, and internally panicked. They both spoke at the same time, coming up with the first excuse that came to mind.

“Please can I go sir, I’ve… broken my leg.” / “I must end our lesson here, I need to go… pet a cat.” 

They stared at each other for a few seconds, before both nodding and running off. Edelgard ran on her two perfectly good legs. Jeritza jumped out of the window, as it was the quickest way to his room.

Edelgard was interrupted yet again by the other two house leaders, who seemed to have been waiting outside her room. Dammit.

“They will rue the day they picked me! I shall never forget this, even when I’m old and powerful, I will never forget the day they chose me, me! Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd! They will walk in the fires of- oh hi Edel.” 

“Hello. Is something wrong?” 

“Oh don’t get him started.” Claude was laughing. “He hasn’t shut up since dinner.” 

“Byleth chose me as house representative for the Heron Cup.” 

“Ok.” Edelgard tried to walk past them and get into her room, but Dimitri grabbed her arm.

“Do you think I’d look good in a dancer’s outfit?” He said in a distressed voice, wanting the answer to be ‘No, I’ll talk to Byleth about changing their mind’.

“Yes.” Was the answer he got from Claude.

“Shut up! It would be humiliating! Not to mention freezing.” 

“Have fun.” Edelgard pushed them away and entered her room. Dear Sothis this was tedious. The Death Knight wouldn’t be struggling like this, would he? 

Jeritza made it to his room without issue, and started changing. Luckily for him, he was interrupted whilst unbuttoning his shirt, and not later.

“You’re not even going to say hello first?” Manuela had gotten into his room.

“How did you get into my room?” 

“Well yes, I got into your room…” She didn’t elaborate on how she got into his room. “But I thought you were going to be here ages ago… I’ve been waiting for you.”

Jeritza thought back to yesterday… she’d been talking at him constantly at lunch, and it was hard to just walk away from someone when you’re eating. He remembered just nodding along to what she was saying, in an attempt to get her to stop. It was entirely possible that he’d agreed to meet up with her today, and to let her get into his room. 

But he didn’t have time for this, he only had half an hour left. He took her arm and graciously escorted her out. But she wasn’t having any of that. 

“It’s one thing to just reject me like anyone else, but to invite me here only to shun me?” Some tears. Now, Jeritza could have said nothing, but he decided that if he did that, then Cyril would never forgive him, as Manuela had already talked his ear off about rejection five times this week. He decided to be a bit more… tactful. 

“I am very sorry, but I am busy right now. Maybe we could arrange to meet up another time.” 

“Really? Of course, I look forward to our date. How about-” The door was slammed in her face, and she was finally gone. 

Goddamn it… he would need to hurry now. The Flame Emperor would never be held up by such troubles, would they? 

Why was Flayn fishing this late? It was already dark, and Edelgard… no, she was the Flame Emperor now… the Flame Emperor was surprised that Seteth wasn’t with her. He could be very overprotective sometimes. 

But speaking of Seteth, that would be the easiest way to get her away. It was 8:15, and Flayn didn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. So she’d just write a little note, saying that Sylvian was planning on spending some quality fishing time with her, and she should probably be taken to her room immediately before that happened. Then she’d just… throw it at him. Because she was wearing her flame emperor outfit, so couldn’t give it to him in person. 

Luckily it worked, and Flayn was gone at 8:25. Now she just had to wait, and hope that no one else turned up.

The Death Knight looked out of his door, ready to start sprinting towards the docks. But noooo, Seteth was taking an opportunity to give Flayn a lengthy talk about staying safe. Right outside his room. 

Welp, window it was. 

Wow he’d underestimated how hard it was to run in this armour. 

Flipping heck, he felt really sorry for his horse now. 

Aaaaaaa, it was 8:29, and from here it would usually take at least 3 minutes to reach his destination. 

Somehow, he reached his destination as the clock struck the half hour. And he walked around to see the Flame Emperor, barely managing to not seem like he was completely out of breath.

And the meeting was able to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You ever realise a title makes no sense because Jeritza already wears a mask? Ah well, he can put on his *other* mask-sona.


	2. The Claude swap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude (3H) finds himself in Claud's (FE4) body, and is very confused.

(Claude found himself in a strange place, in a different body… after briefly talking to a girl with purple hair, he spent some time alone, trying to figure out what had happened. He then decided to look for a library, or some records that could tell him where he was.)

Sigurd: Father, is something the matter?

Claude: I have a son, huh? Nothing’s wrong, I just felt like a walk.

Sigurd: May I accompany you? There are some I wish to discuss with you.

Claude: Of course. _This should also help me get more information about this place. _

Sigurd: I appreciate everything you’ve done to help me, but I must apologise. You shouldn’t be involved in this mess… 

Claude: … _Shoot, what’s his name?_ Please don’t apologise… I promise, I will do everything in my power to assist you.

Sigurd: Ugh. I've had enough of just sitting here and letting Reptor have his sorry way! I swear, I've half a mind to storm straight into Grannvale and end this once and for all!

Claude:_ I don’t know who Reptor is, I don’t know what Grannvale is… this is going well. _Anger is understandable, but it would be better to solve this diplomatically.

Tailtiu (walks past): Evening father, Sigurd.

Sigurd: Evening.

Claude: _Sigurd! That was it! And she’s my daughter, I knew she was close._ Evening.

Sigurd: Well we’ve been trying that for months, what’s that got us? We’ve been branded traitors by the nation we were ordered to protect!

Claude: I understand Sigurd. I really don’t. But you mustn’t be rash. I can’t imagine losing you… 

Sigurd: … I’m sorry. I’ll bear it for now. 

Claude: That’s good. I will always be here for you if you ever want to talk again.

The next day… 

Lewyn: Good morning father.

Briggid: Hello father.

Silvia: Hello hello mister father!

Oifey: Ah, father, would you like some lunch?

Claude: _How many kids do I have? And how many women did I… cause none of these people look like each other._

(Claude goes out to the courtyard. Arden is sitting with a couple of babies - one asleep - whilst Ayra is practicing with her sword on a training dummy)

Arden: Come on, come on…

Larcei: Mmm, aaa… 

Arden: That ain’t a word I ever heard before, what’s that gibber-gabber meant to mean?

Larcei: Mmm… mmm… 

Claude: Oh, is he going to say ‘mama’? 

Arden: Oh, Mister Claude, I’m tryin’ a get Larcei to say ‘er first words.

Ayra (coming over): She’s only a year old, Shannan was twice that when he first spoke. 

Claude: Never too young to start.

Ayra: I suppose… is there any way I can help father?

Claude: _Gran… grandkids… I looked at myself in the mirror, I’m not that old am I?_ Nothing in particular… (he puts his hands above his head) Come on, ‘fear the deer’, you can do it!

Larcei: (laughs and raises her hands) Dee!

Claude: That’s right! Deer!

Larcei: Dee!

Ayra: You have a way with children huh? 

Claude: Well, I do have a lot of experience. _As I seem to have birthed an entire army._

Arden: Say ‘dad’!

Larcei: Da?

Arden: Aww, ain’t you just the darnedest cutie? (He pats her on the head)

Claude: Adorable… well, I’ll leave you to it.

Ayra: Alright. Good to see you.

(Claude is sitting in a sitting room. As you do)

Azel: Father, can I talk to you about something?

Claude: Of course. Please, take a seat.

Azel: Well… it’s about my brother… 

Claude: Which one?

Azel: I- Arvis. Arvis… 

Claude: _That would be… uh… is this another one I haven’t met?_ What’s wrong?

Azel: I wish I could see him again… he got married a few months ago, and I couldn’t be there for him. He’d always said I’d be his best man… 

Claude: That must be rough… I truly hope you get to see him soon, I’m sure he must miss you as well.

Azel: … 

Claude: … 

Azel: What did he say at the Isaach conference?

Claude: Excuse me?

Azel: Did he want to invade? He never told me anything about those meetings… 

Claude: He… _I have no clue_ He was concerned about how our country would seem. He wanted to settle things as soon as possible. 

Azel: I see… that does sound like him. 

Claude: _Yes! It worked!_ Your mother always-

Azel: You knew my mother?

Claude: Of course.

Azel: I mean no rudeness but, you are aware Arvis and I have different mothers?

Claude: I am. Why wouldn’t I be? 

Azel: Oh, sorry. I just assumed…

Claude: How would you exist if I didn’t know your mother? 

Azel: … 

Claude: … 

Azel: … 

(Later, at dinner, the hall is packed)

Lex: Are you feeling alright father Claud? Azel told me you were being weird. Oh, no offence.

Claude: Father…

Claude: … 

Claude: … 

Claude: … 

Claude: (Drawing the attention of the entire hall) I’M A FUCKING PRIEST, AREN’T I?


	3. A hitman, a priest and a volcano

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Heya, can we have a taxi?” 
> 
> “Well, I can’t let you have one, but I’m sure I can send one to pick you up! Where the heck are you?”
> 
> “We’re on Demon’s Ingle Street.” 
> 
> “Oh, Demon’s Ingle? That’s the road currently covered in lava and stuff?”
> 
> “Sure is. How long will it be?”
> 
> “Are you seriously asking me to send one of my fine drivers out to an area that would probably kill them?”
> 
> “Pretty much.”
> 
> “Five minutes.”
> 
> Based on the brilliant prompt: The world's worst hitman and a priest next to an erupting volcano trying to get a taxi.

Gaius “Hitman” Hitman watched the volcano with an annoyed look. "Well crap." This was a disaster. He had been planning to throw the body in there, and now it was just erupting over there. How ungrateful. Now what was he meant to do? Just drag this body around for another 2 hours?

Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, he heard someone running. He tossed the body aside, hoping it would hide itself in the bushes. Unfortunately, it just landed on top, and stayed in plain view. "Excuse me sir!" Was what he heard before he had a chance to fix the situation.

"Oh fu- hello. Lovely weather, isn’t it?"

The priest - or at least Gaius assumed it was a priest from the pavement-length robes he was wearing - looked up. At the ashy sky "Are you alright?"

“I’m feeling pretty sweet… mmm, sweets…” Gaius looked up at the sky again, and remembered that there was an eruption going on. “Oh right. Not so sweet.”

“I see… I am very sorry to ask this of you, but do you have a car, or some way to get out of here quickly?”

“Yes I have a-” Gaius then remembered that his car was full of murder stuff. And also a few miles away. “Wait. I didn’t drive today. I’m very sorry, try somewhere else.” 

“Alright. But maybe it would be best if we stayed together… May I have your name?”

“Oh, Gaius. And you are?” He glanced at the body, which was still in plain view. 

“My name is-” The priest followed his gaze and… “By the gods…” The priest walked over to the body. “A victim of the volcano?”

“Uh… probably. Volcano related death. Totally.”

The priest then noticed the knife stuck in the body’s back. “Hmm…” 

Gaius looked for an opportunity to get away. The target hadn’t been disposed properly, but at least he was dead. 

“He’s alive.”

“He’s alive?” Gaius ran over, furious, getting a strange look. “I mean… he’s alive. How great.”

“Alas, will this day get any worse?” The body was awake now. “The sky is painted in blood, have I been hurt so - that my eyes are tainted?”

“No, that’s just the volcano.” The priest lifted the man down from the bush and was now carrying him. Gaius was intimidated but incredibly impressed at his strength.

“A volcano? My my… but if I am to die, at least it is in the arms of a beautiful woman and-”

“I’m a man.”

“At least it is in the arms of a beautiful man, and not in that dreary alley. As long as you are with me… what’s your name?”

“Libra.”

“Libra, what a wonderful name. As long as you are with me, my dear Libra, I will accept my death with open arms.”

“Please don’t say that.” Libra looked at the knife again. “As long as you don’t lose too much blood, that wound shouldn’t be fatal. The only problem is getting somewhere away from the volcano.” The volcano, that is still erupting about 200m away from them.

“How’d ya know it ain’t fatal?” Gaius asked, a bit miffed as it should have been fatal.

“I… I do not wish to disclose that information.” 

Gaius decided not to press further. “So now what?”

“Ah, if only there was a horse that could aid me in my aristocratic retreat…” The person who by all accounts should be dead was a bit of a ponce. Gaius could see why someone would want him dead.

“We could call a taxi.” 

“I apologise, but I cannot imagine any taxi service would be willing to send someone out here.”

“Eh, worth a shot.” 

“Hello? This is the Anathema taxi service, how can I help you?” A cheerful voice answered. 

“Heya, can we have a taxi?” Gaius said, putting the phone on speaker.

“Well, I can’t let you have one, but I’m sure I can send one to pick you up! Where the heck are you?”

“We’re on Demon’s Ingle Street.” 

“Oh, Demon’s Ingle? Lovely place, went through there once with my parents to see the volcano. Well, my parents did more than see it… so that’s the road currently covered in lava and stuff?”

“Sure is.” The three of them were standing in the one place that wasn’t going to burn them to death. “How long will it be?”

“Are you seriously asking me to send one of my fine drivers out to an area that would probably kill them?”

“Pretty much.”

“Five minutes. Can I take a name?”

“Virion, Duke Of Rosanne!” The man who was getting a piggy back ride from Libra yelled. 

“Ooo, a duke you say? How marvellous! I know a duke. Eh so… look to your right.” They did. Nothing there. “Wait wait, left!” They did. Still nothing. “Ok ok, third time lucky, look up.” They did, and saw a taxi descend, carried by a flock of crows. “There ya go, jump in. Literally! This isn’t coming down any further.”

Gaius jumped on first, and gave Libra a hand carrying Virion up. Gaius was tempted to accidentally drop Virion in the lava, but thought that the situation was already so strange they might as well go along with it.

Already in the car were a white haired boy - the one who had been on the phone - and a man with long red hair who was driving. Apparently the boy didn’t have a driver’s license, only a license to murder. “A murder of crows that is.”

The aforementioned crows dropped them on a road that was still intact, before flying off, the boy (Henry or something) saluting them for their help. 

“That’s a lot of fire engines.” Gaius remarked as they drove along.

“It wasn’t me this time.” The taxi driver said softly.

“Ah gods, I feel my vision failing… I need to get help urgently… otherwise…” Libra was using an emergency first aid kit to try and stop Virion’s bleeding - as it was ruining the seats.

“You should be dead right now.” Gaius was still annoyed. “If I had my way, you’d be inside that volcano right now, and I’d be getting paid for the job…” He then realised he’d said that last part out loud, and the rest of the car was staring at him (except for the driver, who was keeping his eyes firmly on the road). 

“Ah! I remember now, your face! You’re the man who stabbed me! You fiend!” 

“How the hell would you know my face, I stabbed you from be- ah heck.” More staring. “Look, don’t take it personally, someone paid to have you disappear, and I’m just not having a great day.”

“No one is having a great day.” Libra remarked.

“I am! Not often I have an excuse to use the crows!” 

“Anyway your duke-ness, I’m sorry. You seem like a reason- you seem like a dece- you seem like a guy. But orders are orders.”

“No! I’ll pay you twice what that person did! I swear!”

“Not just that, my reputation’s on the line. If I fail, I’m in a bind.”

“Anything you want! Money, a-a nice mansion!”

“Nope.” Gaius took out a dagger. Libra tried to intervene but failed. Henry ate popcorn.

“All the food you could want!” Gaius hesitated. “Yes! Food! Uh… you like… what do you like?”

“Candy.”

“I promise - all the candy in the world. Just don’t kill me!”

A silence weighed upon the car, broken only by the munching of popcorn.

“Deal.”


End file.
